Providence Academy News

Providence Academy News
{P. A. N.}
Produced by PA News and Misc. Inc.

TABLE OF CONTENTS
click section name to skip there
**IMPORTANT** if you haven’t read this WHOLE link yet, do so NOW! You need to know this!!
News (to get to current news, click here, you might need to scroll up a bit)
Hyperlinks
Policy
Quotes
Limericks/Poems
Interviews
Praises and Reviews on PAN
Jokes





News
(back to top)

News 11.22.05
Today Matthew, Isaiah, and Dusty got in trouble.

News 11.28.05
Lunch duty this week is assigned to:
Elliot
Isaiah

Well, this is our second post! Nice to finally be up and running! We will be increasing the volume of news in the future. Keep checking for news!!

News 11.29.05

Well, you’ve probably have guessed the same people who are doing the weekly documentaries are doing this. Pretty soon we’ll have some hypertext links to older documentaries in case you miss any. Yah! Keep spreading the news that we’re up and running!! OK I just put some hyperlinks on. Week 2 is missing, we’ll get it back soon. Breaking news!! Grayson actually brought a lunch from home. He didn’t buy one at crows!

12.01.05

Thank you for your tolerance as week 2 of the Grayson series is being typed out. Hopefully we will have it finished today. After school today there is play practice. MidValley theater’s production of The Homecoming starring Ashley and Isaiah is starting up, beginning with the dress rehearsal tonight.

Mon. 12.05.05
Joseph and Shannon are on lunch duty today and Mr. Boyd is dismissing. Don’t climb on the pews! Congratulations to Änna Hostetter for her V.O.D. essay! We’ll try and put up Week 4 of the Grayson series.

Tuesday, 12.06.05
How Now, What’s up, anything new under the sun?!!? In my opinion, we need a mat in the girls’ and boys’ locker rooms. I can see snow leading right up to the door to the interior of the gym. It’s like whoosh slip slip wham!! That’s not very fun what ho! Hey! Next week is the Grayson series final. After that, an anonymous 1st person story. Don’t miss the ending of a great series and the beginning of another one.

Wednesday, 12.07.05
Starting a new section for limericks.

Thursday, 12.08.05
YEHAAA! Today is Thursday! It is also Hot Lunch. Popular opinion says its tacos. On Lunch Duty this week are Joseph and Shannon. I extend my deepest sympathies to them for having to clean up on Hot Lunch day. Well, how did you like the new limericks section. Yes. We are encouraging people to read this. Please help us. Spread the news!! This is our official 9th post! Haha. Monday is our tenth post. Next year, remember November 11 as PAN Day (Providence Academy News). If you have any ideas on how to get people to read this, please leave a note under the new message board. Please remember, this is for tips and such only. This is NOT one of those outlawed, distracting private chat files. If we see any such messages, or inappropriate things, we WILL delete it.

12.12.05
OK, if you’re wondering where the message board went, I deleted it. It just had a potential for trouble. Please disregard any information about it in previous news posts!! Also this week, the exiting Grayson series finale! Who wins, Zapp or Grayson!?! Come back after Christmas Break to meet the beginning of another excellent series!!

12.14.05
Sorry about taking so long for that Grayson finale. The hyperlink is up and soon it will be printed. Cool! Tomorrow school gets out! Happy Christmas Break!! Tip of the day: to capitalize only the first letters of a section of writing, highlight it, go to Edit, convert case and initial capitals. Have fun!!

Thursday, December Fifteenth, Two Thousand Five
YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It is Thursday, a day of parties and such. All right! Read the Grayson Finale! Merry Christmas!!

Monday, January 2, 2006
Well, we are back!! I have GUM Week 1 ready to go. Had it ready before the break, hehe. Back to work, you befuddled beast! On lunch duty this week: Anna Hurley and Nathaniel Robertson. Today Anna is sick (not Änna!) and absent. Joy Tollefson is also sick but present. Julie Tollefson is recovering from a nasty self-inflicted knife wound, but present. All that will be revealed is that a large knife and orange juice can were involved. Isaiah Buck is sick and absent. Our good friend Grayson is not attending the school anymore. In other words, booted: grades slipped just a little too low. No offense, Grayson!!

Tuesday, 01.03.06
Well, back to the doldrums of Tuesday, eh? Isaiah and Anna are back today.

ol.0s.oG (01.05.06)
Today is Thursday, and only a half day. Peopled arrived around 12:15. The 8th grade class is in the library today. Most people were at the W. V. O. (Wallowa Valley Orchestra) this morning.

01.09.06
Howya doin? It’s Monday again [heavy sigh], you know. Well, we’ll have GUM Week 2 up pretty soon. Our other newest addition is The Complete Idiot’s Dictionary to Modern Gaming. You’ll find the link in the Hyperlinks section. Today Nathaniel Robertson reported a theft of his blue English Composition binder and a yellow folder in which he supposedly kept a supply of college paper. Hmm, I think I’ll look into getting a ticker for this page.

01.10.06
Tuesday. Tuesday? Tuesday! Start preparing for the talent show. It is an open secret that Matthew and Cody are planning something wacked. There is many different ideas that many different people are planning.


01.11.06
Lady has heart attack; recovering
Mrs. Bomberger’s mother (or was it grandmother) reportedly had a heart attack last weekend. Mrs. Bomberger has not or will not be here this week. Her mother has had 2 surgeries and is on the road to recovery.
Students forced to write
Allegedly, during Mrs. Bomberger’s absence, Mr. Buck cruelly forced students to write horror stories about slime. According to students, it appeared horrible at first, but wasn’t so bad after all.
PAN starting to use headlines
According to a PAN official, “We are starting to use headlines because it looks more professional”. Indeed it does! Also, we are starting a new section for interviews, which we will begin shortly. 5 question interviews will be the thing.
GUM heating up
The story gets hotter as our hero (or villain, whatever) is thrown into jail! Check back next week as he (spoiler alert) attempts a daring escape.

01.12.06
End of week at Academy
After a grueling week, the students at Providence finally have an end in sight! It was especially grueling for 8th grade, who where allegedly forced to participate in Mr. Buck’s “cruel” experiments. Yesterday it was reported that they were forced to blindly taste, smell, and feel things.
Student recovering from knife accident
Julie Tollefson, featured in a story on Monday, January 2 2006, is recovering. Her stitches have reportedly been removed. Otherwise she is physically sound.
Monster reported
According to anonymous source, there is a monster lurking around Providence Academy. Perhaps this is one of the famed haunts that still stalk the older parts of the Academy. It is described as fairly short (for a human, although who knows what it is) and sticks to the shadow. The only reason the students noticed it is because of its latte-spitting ability. It appears to use a straw to shoot a thin stream of drink at them, although reports are shaky because all witnesses dived out of the way.

Monday, 01.16.06
New Jokes section
PAN has started a new jokes section. Have fun. Feel free to add jokes.
Abortion discussion draws attention
A discussion was started today in Algebra II on anti- abortion. Down with abortion. Apparently, a new birth crisis center is being started in Wallowa County. Ahh, what the heck about headlines. Mrs. Bomberger has returned and taught today.

Wednesday, 01.18.06
Howyadoin?? It’s Wednesday, one day to go. PAN has temporarily abandoned headlines. Rumor has it that Joy Tollefson and Nathaniel Robertson bombed their Algebra I test yesterday, but for semi-obvious reasons.

Thursday, 01.19.06
It’s the end of the weak, I mean week, again. So, how are yu again?

Tuesday, 01.24.06
Much news is new! PAN has claimed freedom of the press! Today, it was reported that Mr. Boyd was brainwashing Communism or its ideals into his class. Also, yesterday, Mr. Buck announced he was beginning a campaign to crack down the dress code. No non-Providence sweaters!

Tuesday, 1.24.06
Dumpster eating and why?
Matthew Hurley of age 14 was reported eating a rotten banana peel out of the dumpster today only because Isaiah Buck of age 14 said he would give him five dollars if he did. But Isaiah lied and didn’t give Matthew the money.

Thursday, 01.26.06
The creators of this paper have been extremely busy this week, explaining the slim news and absence of GUM Week 4.

Thursday, 01.26.06
Yes it is the end of the week and we here at PAN all hope that you have a good weekend. Pastor Tollefson neglected to bring lunch and Nathaniel drank out of staff drinking fountain (tuition does not cover pencils and water.)

Moment of triumph brief
The 8th grade class are just finishing Latin Maps today. Their feelings of elation were cut short when Mr. Boyd announced they would be starting 2x3 maps for Rudiments. Their will be a followup story on them upon the completion of their Rudiments maps.

News 01.30.06
Today is Monday, happy day! The Table of Contents is under repair, although the links that are there should work. Apparently there was some error. Weird! We’re working on it though, toodle pip! OK, I fixed it. Maybe we’ll put our noses to the grindstone this week and see if we can eke out a GUM story. OK, I just added a new Hyperlink to a report on Mohammed, kindly provided by [name deleted].
Old student returns to Academy
He is currently attending Providence to graduate. He was planning on taking one last class at Enterprise High, but they refused to recognize his Providence Academy credit. Sooo... he came back to do Mr. Boyd’s Government class. His name is... [drum roll] Jared Zwanziger!!
First Ever Providence Academy Talent Show tomorrow Tomorrow is the first ever Providence Academy talent show so get your talents ready to show off to the whole school and Alan Roddey will be playing the great piano for us all so don’t forget to come show your talents off.

News 01.31.06
Today, the last day of January 2006 (or is there an January 32 this year?), I finally arrived here before 8:30 AM. For any of you wandering, this is a sort of blog, yes. Soon, I’ll probably hold a contest to rename this paper, because it happens to have the same title as the Monday note, “Providence Academy News”. This is more a sort of journal, as in “Wall Street Journal”. Today, Elliot Robertson is sick and absent, but we received an anonymous telephone tip saying he hopes to rest up and make it to the Talent Show as a viewer-only. Yes, tonight is the Talent Show, so, practice up your acts and wind up your laughing mechanism for tonight!! I added a whole bunch of new entries under Miscellaneous yesterday to make up for the repeated absence of a GUM story. They were kindly donated by an anonymous source. I also added a link to panweb.htm, an not-exactly-perfect web-style version of the paper, not updated all the time. Well, who knows were it could go??
Hyperlinks updated for ease of navigation
I just added a thing at the beginning of every section that looks like this (back to top). Click on it to skip back up to the Table of Contents.

News 02.01.06
I hate Rabbits! No, I wasn’t Rabbitsed, I knew what day it is, I just don’t like it! Well, well. Last night, the Talent Show was rather swell!! Here is a list of acts from last night.
1. Matthew and Anna Hurley with the opening hymn, “Be Thou My Vision”
2. Jordan and Änna Hostetter, Darrel Brann with two songs
3. 6 & 7 Grade’s bloody nose joke
4. Joseph the Clown
5. Matthew, Anna, and Nathaniel’s shaky rendering of “John Brown’s Body”
6. Matthew and Alan’s rap session
7. Alan Roddey on piano
8. Isaiah and Jake’s guitar song
9. Julie, Layken, and cast in $5000 skit
10. Joy & Cassie’s “what’s under the blanket?”
11. Zeb and Clem from Copper Coil Canyon
12. Mrs. Barnhart and Crew
13. Henry V trailer with Eric and Mr. Boyd

So, it was pretty darn cool!! Please take a look at the Policy section again! I have changed some stuff. It seems Mrs. Barnhart is trying to reform her class.

News 02.02.06
OK, today is Thursday!! Nathaniel Robertson is now starring in Henry V as “The Sound Guy”. Cool!! Joy and Nathaniel reportedly were stumped on their math lessons this morning, but Mr. Buck helped them in class this morning, and assigned just corrections over the weekend. OK, I just updated panweb.htm, it looks better now!! Not all the underlines!! We might eventually switch to it. This would take quite a lot of HTML work on Notepad, unless Mr. Buck would unlock Microsoft FrontPage Editor. Oh, wait, you can open HTML files on WordPerfect. Hmm, I just think though, it would be very cool to have a ticker for panweb.htm. Maybe I could get a ticker online, like search Google “HTML ticker”. It would look very official.

News 02.06.06
Server computer in danger
Breaking news! There is a possibility of the server crashing and losing all files before the week is out. If you really want to protect your files, copy your files on your account to a local hard drive on one of the lab computers. Mr. Buck broke the news this morning, and said he would try to backup the server on Friday of this week (on Friday for the obvious reason that if he backed up during the week, the Server would lock up doing server duty and backing up at the same time). The alleged reason for this danger is a blown breaker during the weekend because some drama students (supposedly Blake and Matthew, as Matthew confessed this morning in chapel) were micro waving food in the microwave. There has previously been trouble related to the server, microwaves, and breakers reported. The last instance happened in Mr. Buck’s absence, but Mr. Boyd saved the day by turning the server back on (simple enough).
School freezing this morning
The school was quite cold in the chapel room this morning. This was for two reasons. The first reason was that a student, namely Nathaniel, climbed through a window on the weekend. He made this statement to reporters: “I swear I didn’t climb through the window this Saturday. It was Sunday! Wahhahahaha!” It was left slightly open. The second reason was that since the breaker was blown (see the story “Server computer in danger”), the Toyostove® Laser 73™ failed to preheat the building this morning. Therefore, Mr. Buck is finally putting back the latches and additional hardware on the windows. This will supposedly stop people from climbing through the windows. This hardware has been gone for around 7 years, witch just happens to exactly correspond with the time they painted the building and never put a bunch of stuff back.


News 02.07.06
OK, what’s up!?! I am really thinking about changing this to a web page. It would be sweet to have a ticker.
Trends
The hot things right now at PA are: Sunglasses and ruler wars! Evidently, Dusty broke a ruler on Alan, and Dusty and Alan are paying for it. Nathaniel announced today to a reporter that soon, he will probably invest in a handheld FM/AM/Shortwave radio by Kaide on eBay! Evidently, this was inspired by Matthew buying a similar unit by ElectroBrand from HQ (a Sportsman Guide company) and the realization that if you buy quality, it performs!! It was reported that Matthew ordered his radio at the same time he ordered a British commando sweater.
Violation not serious
A anonymous note was delivered to Mr. Buck’s table yesterday reading: “Urgent, Dusty has a pocketknife in his right rear pocket (dangling out) -Secret Service Sam.” After reading it, Mr. Buck said “If Dusty really had a pocket knife in his pocket, he would go put on my desk right now if he doesn’t want to be suspended.” Dusty stood up and left the room.

News 02.09.06
Jacob Girtz is evidently getting people sick. I think Mr. Buck is backing up the Server computer tomorrow. Back up your files on the hard drive. You have been warned.
No extra practice after all
There is a rumor circulating that there is practice for Henry V on this Friday. Wrong! It couldn’t fit into people’s schedule and Mr. Boyd declared it’s good to just see what happens.

Highschoolers play outside
Most of the highschoolers played outside on and by the swing set today. It was shocking.
PAN off air for a while
As of 12:50 PM on 02.09.06, PAN will be unaccessible until Monday morning.

News 02.13.06
OK, we’re back on the air! News of interest includes Isaiah Buck getting in trouble (penalization was 5 minutes), and Nathaniel Robertson reports he won the radio (see 02.07.06's “Trends”)! Due to technical reasons, PAN will be off the air again from Thursday afternoon to Monday morning.

News 02.14.06
♡ Valentines Day! Nathaniel Robertson found a box of Sweethearts in the ditch this morning. Also, he got his radio today.

Untitled Article
Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Most of the peoples teeth are shining. Life is good and Spring is in the air along with “love”. Yes today is Valentines day. Joy Tollefson got a bag of heart sweet tarts. No one is in Trouble. Today is a D.C. trip meetings. So be prepared for no lunch Break. Perfect on valentines day to spend in doors. -Joy Tollefson

02.15.06
The day of hearts is over!! There is still much candy left over, though.

02.16.06
Henry V dress rehearsal today
Welcome! Today is Thursday, a day that usually signals the end of work for the week (at the school), but for many people, this signals the beginning of a grueling weekend. Today is dress rehearsal, and Friday and Saturday are performances!! Monday, with no school, includes a practice at 3-6 PM. And then on Friday and Saturday of that week, the last two performances. Fortunately, the actors and crew can today look forward to...
Hot Lunch!
Today’s hot lunch is provided by viewers like you. Kidding! It’s actually provided by the Robertsons and Tollefsons beanie-weenies.
He’s writing what!?!
Eric parker appears to be writing an article on Providence Academy. PAN will look into featuring it.
PAN will soon be renamed
Soon, PAN will have a renaming contest. The winner, picked by us as having the best name, will receive a prize!! Check back soon for rules and prize(s). The only reason we need to be renamed is because there is already a publication with the name Providence Academy News a.k.a. “The Monday Note”.
Gum wk. 4 up
I finally got it up. Yes, there are 5 weeks to each series; next week is the gripping finale!!
Hot New Story (see “He’s writing what!?!” above)
Student pours out anger against Providence Academy!! Read all about it!! And the ultimate question: is there some truth to what he says!?!?

Untitled Article
Providence Academy has been a place of learning, of joy, of fun, and unfortunately, of superficiality. We have been so flooded with doctrines and teachings that we have moved to the point where we no longer care. It has been so long since I heard in normal conversation: “Jesus said this,” or “Jesus did this.” What I do hear is: “That guy is so hot,” and “Guess what party I’m going to this week.” Have we fallen so far under the pressure of doctrine? What do the students of Providence care about brotherly love, about the love of God, and the desire to be brought up in perfection? They care none whatsoever it seems.
The students of Providence Academy seem to be so sick of religious or academic Christianity that they are in a performance mode. When asked a question about the Bible or history of the church, they will give a scholarly answer. But in their own free time they speak of how much they hate it, or of what person they’re in love with this week, or who has been cheating on whom. What is the point? Is Providence Academy making strong young Christians, or lukewarm young men and women who have come to resent religion?
The idea of a prayer group or Bible study outside of what they already have to do is greeted with an enthusiastic “maybe later,” and then ridiculed when the founder of the idea is out of hearing range. I hear students complain about how much they hate their own family’s Bible time. Why is this? To be perfectly honest I don’t know. Man is fallen, but the scariest thing in the world to me is kids who have been raised in a Christian family. Do you know why? I was raised in a Christian family. I have seen so many “Christian” kids come to resent the religion of their parents.
Give a choice to a Providence Academy student on whether to attend church or not, without consequences, most of the students would without hesitation choose to remain at home to watch television. There are a few gems who honestly desire a relationship with Almighty God, but most are simply religious scholars who have no desire to know God, simply a desire to know about Him.
The students of Providence I believe have lost their first love in exchange for the passions of the world. As Leonard Ravenhill once said, “We haven’t spent a half hour with Jesus, but we spend two stinking hours at the movie house.”
Jesus Christ said, “Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Does this mean that all the doctrine of the Christian faith is bad? Not at all, but doctrine should come after repentance, not before.
I listened to a testimony the other day and in which the young man realized that God didn’t need him. God wanted him. Of course everyone in this school could have told him that, but how many of us really realize it. God doesn’t need me. God doesn’t need anyone, no matter how smart, how talented, how beautiful that person may be. God does not need us. He wants us. We need to realize that we are worthless, and until we are broken on the rock that is Christ Jesus, nothing can change.
We are going to do nothing to change this world. God is going to do something in this world, and he wants to know if we want to come along. When this really sunk in, I cried. I cried in repentance and sorrow.
Paris Reidhead cried out that he didn’t believe anything would change until we come back to Christianity. Now I am not writing to accuse some people of not being Christians. There is no way I can know for certain whether a person is a Christian or not. But this I know: the measure of a Christian is by his fruits. And I have been guilty of not producing my fair share of fruit.
Let me say this in conclusion. I am sick of stale Christianity. I am sick of lukewarm Christianity. I am sick of Christianity in name only. If none ever hear of this but myself, then it is enough. I truly desire for this school to come to Jesus Christ in truth and fulness, but I realize that it begins with me. I am in prayer for this school.

-P.A.N. official note: P.A.N. does not necessarily condone the opinions expressed therein; however, it is my [Matthew]’s belief that, though this was written in general and that there are exceptions to this strong statement, we could all learn from what he has to say.

News 02.21.06
Wrong!! Series are not necessarily 5 weeks long!! The can be shorter or longer!! And... soon this paper will be a HTML document, complete with a news ticker. I [Nathaniel] have found a huge list of free tickers and source codes for them. It will be awesome. We will tell you how to edit it when you need to know...
Meanwhile, be patient while I look around for a “HTML for Dummies” book!!
Tip of the day
You highschoolers, for outlines, Corel has a comprehensive outline program embedded. To access, click Insert, Outline/Bullets & Numbering... A dialog box will come up, allowing you to select the desired style. Once picked, hit OK to start. Press Tab to go forward through the points (example: I. to A. to 1. To etcetera) and Shift+Tab to go backwards through the points. If you do something out of outline form, it will stop spitting out the outline. To resume, go back to the Outline/Bullets & Numbering... dialog box. Click Resume. Tada!!!

A Short Week at Providence
This week has gone by fast for some of the kids at providence because there was no school on Monday for it was President’s Day and unlike the public schools we here at Providence don’t have school this Friday well we here at P.A.N hope you all a good rest of the week.

News 02.23.06
And it is Thursday!! Here’s a hot new story. And... look forward to HTML probably sometime next week. We’ll take care of all the technical stuff, your shortcuts should still work.

8th graders have succeeded
Click here to get to the previous story. This morning, the 8th grade class have finished their maps in Rudiments class. This is making history!! They have done maps of Plymouth Bay, not “The Boot”!
This is history!! Make sure to look at the maps. Currently, they are posted on the wall near to the 8th grade room.

News 02.27.06
PAN officials taking a partial break
PAN officials are taking a break. At sometime on this Thursday afternoon, this file will become inaccessible. Please do not delete your shortcuts. PAN will be back up shortly after Spring Break. This is to give them a break. Weekly documentaries will still be posted on the left of the lunch duty paper. Please do not waste time trying to access PAN after this Thursday. The non-access status will be lifted when it is time.
Henry V was a brilliant success!
Henry V is over!! Hope you liked it! Today from 3:30-5:30 PM is a work party to take things apart!! And on Sunday at 5:00 PM at Cody’s house (the Moffits live there too!) is a cast and crew party. Be there, or be square.
New Hyperlink
Our newest addition is in Hyperlinks under Miscellaneous, “Slang dat is often used ova da Internet”. This article was kindly provided by Alan. He is still working on it.

News 02.28.06
Life is boring. Well, today is Tuesday, you have 1½ days left to view this document. Have fun. If anybody has noticed the graphic at the top of this document, it is temporary and will be replaced with the PAN logo, which incidentally hasn’t been created yet.

Poems rock!
The Poems section is large by far now!! Matthew captured the spirit of the student excellently in his latest poem “Another Weekly Grind”. Nathaniel has also made a large contribution, “Prisoner!”.

Will you hear the beat?
There is a rumor circulating about an article about rap. Is this true? Yes it is!! PAN is working on one. It will be long! This article will be written during the time PAN will be down. In this article, we will be featuring the opinions of several people. Also, we may have a poll. Expect it to be good!

03.02.06
This is the last day to view this file for a while. Hah, I’m a poet, and you didn’t know it! Yes, sometime this afternoon, this will be inaccessible. I advise you not to try to get in, take our word for it, but if you try, it will be inaccessible!! Any changes you make to a back-up copy or something of the kind will not be saved!!!!

04.03.06
Welcome back! Spring Break is over, so liven up your brains once more.
PAN is back!
Also, as is obvious, PAN is back up once again!! Celebrate! Celebrex, I mean, oops! We are encouraging people to write on here all the time, but most importantly of all, do not let this file be a distraction! Click here for more detailed information. Thanks everyone for your contributions, past and future! It may have been Matthew and I who started this, but without your help we cannot keep this running. I’ve just performed a cursory check, and this file seems to be in working order. Please, remember the courtesies mentioned here, and if there is any problems, contact Matthew or Nathaniel, or fix it yourself. Please be careful not to delete anything, though. Thank you!

04.04.06
Gooood Morning Providence students. It’s a glooorious morning. The sun is shining, the birds are flying, the grass is growing and that delicious and wonderfully Springy feeling is in the air!!! OK, so maybe it’s a muddy, drizzly morning and everyone is experiencing caffeine deficiency. Have a good morning anyway.

04.06.06
Well, the jury-rigged, patched-up network is still working, as is obvious, unless you were unscrupulous enough to copy this file onto a floppy, or perhaps a CD. Although, is there a CD burner anywhere in the school. Also remember, WSN day is coming up (don’t ask) on the 18th, which is the 1st day of school that week, even though it’s a Tuesday, thanks to Easter holiday.

04.10.06
WSN site up!
The WSN’s site is up. The current URL is thewsn.2our.com (will not work on PROVIDENCE network unless you’re on a computer with a Internet connection). No “www”, OK? It won’t work with the “www”!! Expect it to get better over time. The site is run by Nathaniel Robertson and Matthew Hurley, and so is this paper.

04.13.06
It’s 12:46 PM, just after hot lunch. I can breath fire. Kryptonite. The cure for proud men.

04.19.06
Providence rebuilds reputation from last year
Yesterday was the Math Competition and also WSN Day. I am proud to report that Providence Academy received 2nd for small schools in the over all category. Anna Hurley made 3rd for small schools in the Pre-Algebra Math Bee. Congratulations to everyone who participated, particularly those who received awards!

05.03.06
It been a while since I posted. Well, I am opening PAN up again for a while. Please don’t abuse it! Ah, well, the National Day of Prayer is tomorrow, protocol uniform. Also remember, unless you coordinate with Mr. Buck and your parents, you can’t leave from the courthouse!

05.08.06
Welcome! It turns out Thursday was no school, because Mr. S. K. Unk’s smell got a whole lot worse. It’s not as bad, though. Hopefully bearable, although most of you folks are always smelling weird things. Ah, yes, the National Day of Prayer went quite well, and this time we split up into prayer groups. Cool.

05.10.06
People can now upload their own wpd’s into the PAN public folder by themselves for linking to!! Just double click the speech bubble on the left margin at the very top of the document.

GUM Week 6
GUM Week 6 is here! Thanks Alan! He finished it. Another excellent episode.

05.11.06
The PAN Public Folder link has been moved to the Hyperlinks section.

Frenzy!
Students of the 8th grade are working frantically to finish their books and make preparations for the reception tonight. It’s at 7:00 PM. Hopefully they’ll make it. I managed to squeeze in this story.

“Frenzy!” Update
I begin to write at 3:33 PM. We made it! I hope to write more tonight.

“Frenzy!” Update 2
I have just arrived at around 6:37. We moved some chairs into the 8th grade room.

05.15.06
The writers’ reception went well. Not much, but it went well.

05.17.06
The Awards Ceremony went well. Nathaniel and Anna got silver medals on the National Latin Exam! Mr. S.K.Unk struck again last night, but not as bad.

5.18.06
Guess whose birthday it is? Well, next week is the last week of school. The thing is, nobody is superhypercharged! It’s weird! Oh, & by the way... everybody thinks it stinks in here. I don’t know what they’re talking about! It doesn’t stink!
-Elliot

05.22.06
Please remember to put your name on stuff you write unless you are a PAN staff member. Also, we ask you to remember, THIS IS THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!! YAHOOOOOO!!!

Wiki coming next year
Coming next year, this paper will be part of a wiki the PAN staff is creating. If you don’t know what a wiki is, please go to en.wikipedia.com and look up “wiki.” It is likely this local network wiki will be called WikiProv.

5.23.06
SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Take a look at Joy’s shining example. -no thank you. Elliot

5.24.06
Ah, yes, in courtesy to Eric, I have finally deleted the image at the top. Yes, the image was his. Okey, we are at 39 pages today!! Yahooo!

More on WikiProv
Hopefully next year, WikiProv will flourish, and the famed PA “hackers” Matthew and Nathaniel will perhaps turn to white hats, fixing the security and making the network a better place.

Wise words for the end
I would suggest you look at Eric’s article. It is full of ideas and spirit, but perhaps he has changed his opinion...

Good times
Were having a good time down here at the 8th grade class room at 1:22. Feel free to join us. We will be watching the last part of Quo Vadis soon.

THE END IS HERE!
The end is here! Rejoice with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs! Sing out in the streets! The end is here and now! Rejoice, all ye students freed from thy teacher’s oppression! Give thy principal many hugs and thank thees. Rejoice! -Elliot

Ah, I listen to the great music of Rapture Brass. Fun fun. I have come up with the idea that their will be no “cool group”. We could all be united...

It’s 11:18 AM. I log on tow write a few last words. It has been a great year. I look back and reflect now... the memories, failures, and successes... well it’s the last day of school... have fun... goodbye... Nathaniel Robertson, signing off.

PERMANENT SECTION

HYPERLINKS
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When you utilize our hyperlinks, we ask you please not to alter anything. Just click on the title to access. It will take several seconds to appear. -P. A. N.

Grayson Series
password (if necessary): gray
Grayson Week 1
Grayson Week 2
Grayson Week 3
Grayson Week 4
Grayson Week 5

GUM Series
GUM Week 1
GUM Week 2
GUM Week 3
GUM Week 4
GUM Week 5
GUM Week 6

Miscellaneous
Click here to get back to Table of Contents
PAN.txt (a less fancily formatted version, updated not so regularly any more)
Panweb.htm (a website style version of PAN, updated not so regularly)
The Dummies’s Dictionary to Modern Gaming
The Underworld and What Dwelt There, Fair and Fell
Mohammed
Argument on the Use of Logic
Ozone!?!
Some Economic Lingo
Slang dat is often used ova da Instant Messaging (by Alan)
Art (New!)
#29341 series (by Elliot
PAN Public Folder
Alan’s Quotes Page



POLICY
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You can read this, add quotes, and add news. Please put the source though (most usually your name. Code names WILL be deleted) and add a headline to your article (“Untitled Article” if you can’t think of a title). Check Joy Tollefson’s shining example of correct formatting on 02.14,06 by clicking here. Any inappropriate entries, in news, quotes, or other things, and entries without the source WILL BE DELETED. Also, keep the jokes clean, PLEASE!! And don’t delete anything or change formatting! When you add news and today’s date is not written yet please do the following in Times New Roman 17 point: News --.--.--, ex: 12.12.12.
**IMPORTANT**
Note: if you try to open this file and it gives the following message: “This document (\\Server\users\student\user.dat\PROVIDENCE ACADEMY NEWS select and hit enter to open.wpd) is in use or is specified as a read only. You may edit the document, but you must save it with a new name. Continue?”, if you click yes, any changes you make to the document will NOT be saved!! Someone else is using it, so either just read, or wait your turn (close and reopen it). For this reason, we ask you do not have this document open if you don’t have to. ALSO, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LET THIS BE A DISTRACTION!! IF THIS IS FOUND A DISTRACTION TO YOU, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO READ IT AFTERWARDS!! IF YOU ABUSE THE PAPER, WE WILL REVOKE YOUR WRITING PRIVILEGES!
**END OF NOTE**
By contributing to this document, your contribution becomes the legal property of PA News and Misc. Inc. It is liable to be edited, deleted, or changed. PAN is not liable for any actions caused by this document. Thank you!


QUOTES
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“Socrates didn’t have a graphing calculator!”-Mrs. Barnhart

“Sometimes I dance with explosives. I don’t question why, I just do.”-Grayson

“Sometimes I feel like an emu. I don’t question why, I just do.”
-Matthew

“What’s a LAN party?”-Mrs. Barnhart

“You have no idea how hard it is to go shopping with a grammar teacher!”-Layken

(Excerpt from Biology class)

Mrs. Barnhart: “You’ll sizzle the hair off of your hairy rear end!”
Grayson (hand raised): “Hugmhumm?”
Mrs. Barnhart: “Yes?”
Grayson: “I wax!”
Mrs. Barnhart: “Ahahahahahahahahahahah!”
End of Excerpt

(Excerpt from Algebra II class)

Mrs. Barnhart: “I’ll put duct tape over both your mouths and rip it off, and then you can really say, ‘I wax!’”
Alan : “Actually, if you did that, I could sue!”
Mrs. Barnhart: “With our court system, by the time it got to court, you would have no evidence!”
End of Excerpt

“If you’re going to do that, don’t.” -Mrs. Bomberger

“Bad grades, the story of my life.” -Grayson

“Hogwash!”-Matthew

“I totally agree” -Jared Zwanziger

“What else would you do?” -Eric Parker

“Sounds good.” -Justin Goins

“Next time I’m gonna’ get a little aggressive witchyou, man!!”
-Anonymous

“Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” -Neil Postman

“That was cold!” -Alan

“Fritters are good. Mmm.” -Isaiah

“Culture is religion externalized” -Henry Ventail

“Weird is what you think it is” - Anonymous

“I say that universal education is being accomplished through unsound and corrupt schools....” - Eric Parker

“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him no harm.” -Samuel Johnson

“Word” - Matthew

“Nathaniel...I need help!”-Joy

“Joy, he doesn’t do brain transplants!”-Matthew

“A ship in a harbor is safe– but that is not what ships are for.”
-John A. Shedd

“Why do we wear uniforms?” - Alan

“Because” -Mr. Buck

“Ooopps!!”- Everyone except Matthew and Cody

“Step aside, or you too will be cut down!” -the movie “Luther”

“When the doctrine of banishment is lost, people will believe everyone is “saved” and there is no Hell or judgment.” -Mr. Boyd

“There are two dogs in your life...” -Pastor Bruce

“I want that chicken!” -Anonymous


“It’s not for a class.” -Eric

“A dyslexic insomniac agnostic is one who stays up all night wondering if there is a doG or not.” - Mr. Tollefson

“Awkward!!” -Anonymous

“Oh, the horror of this villainy!” -Bradford

“Be-ee-ee the house, Julie!”-Layken Buck

“O, thou gore-bellied gimmick, thou mealy-mouthed, malt-headed, mome-like excuse for a milk-livered muddle-head; Thine mother wears armor, thou flop-eared flap-dragon. Get thee hence, afore thine dismal countenance doth affright the mirror!”-Matthew

“I’ll have to tweak your wheel...” -Mr. Tollefson

“You put that so well.” -Mr. Boyd

“Yeah, Me!!!”-Cody and Matthew

“It doesn’t go!” -Anonymous

“Life isn’t a cartoon.” -Nathaniel

“This is my favorite book.” -Mrs. Bomberger

“Some call me Sam. Others don’t.” -Matthew and Nathaniel

“Cut that out!”- Anonymous


“WARNING: Some experts believe that use of any keyboard may cause serious injury. Consult statement on back of this keyboard.” -Anonymous

“Lunch tomorrow with Elvis Presley, and a concert in two weeks.” -Anonymous



LIMERICKS/POEMS
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Bob the Potato
Bob the potato was dancing
to his favorite band named Hansing
he slipped on his uncle Fred
it’s a miracle he isn’t dead
but it so happened he fell
into a pot hot as Betty
and got mashed into thanksgiving dinner. -Grayson

Immunization Documentation
Commonly known as a documentation,
A paper of immunization,
quite an accurate representation,
a superfluous accumulation
It primarily consisted
of the shots that are listed
for the people who live in our nation.
-Matthew

Untitled
Forget not the morning star
of it what good could come
for near and far
are dreadful place
fragile as a flattered vase

and of the land
what could be told
standing ground where
fires grow cold

I stand here now
this barren place
thinking of a golden face
so far I away
unbroken shores
so far away those slathered doors

o why should now
so honor me
with such a gift that comes from the
-unfinished, A. Goins

The Scarlet Pimpernel
They seek him here,
They seek him there,
Those Frenchies seek him everywhere.
Is he in Heaven?
Or is he in Hell?
That demmed, elusive Pimpernel
-Baroness Orczy

An Ode to Newman-O’s
You might m’lady,
tweak my nose
You could, m’lord
step on my toes,
But Heaven help
those poor bozos
who try to filch
my Newman-O’s
-Newman

Frustrated on Thursday
This RAM is plugging up! I can’t
I’m falling
so far
the mud
all over
I’m going to die
sighhh
-Nathaniel

Untitled
My brain is burning up
I wish I had some milk to sup
I cannot think
my mind goes rinky-dink
I am going to sink
into a ray of day
-Anonymous

Untitled
The ripple of a tear went across her pale sad face.
Will no one rescue her from this dark place.
All hope seems to fade eaten by fire.
Who would ever venture through this mire
suddenly she sees a figure through her tears
Hope returns but only to be eaten up by fear
O , she thinks don’t let it see my face
For upon it was her disgrace
Surely if it sees me it will run from me
She built up courage to make her free
But faint came over her and darkness came
She struggled till she felt nothing the same
Till something strong took her up in comfort
But nothing she heard to retort
Then finally it happened somebody loosened the chains
She felt the wonderful touch of a soft mane.
The strong arms lifting her up, from the ground so coarse,
They began to move ,her head pounded with the horse
Then all was silent she did not know any thing
She began to have hope until she felt a sting.
The horse stopped and the man got off
Then lead her and the horse to the trough
He lifted her off the horse and took her inside
She heard voices and people calling from out side
Then she lay still and her spirit ran a pace.
And she lay frozen dead clutching her face.
- Sophia Ollfensto [Joy’s nom de plume]

Untitled
O will I ever survive
I’m going off the high dive
even though I try
I might still die
but, I know I must
pick someone to trust
will they be faithful
or their reputations null
I cannot stay
so, Happy Valentines Day!
-Anonymous


Hollywood
Hollywood is trying to make new friends with the aliens
Sending them our culture or ways of life and all of our trends
Transmitting music and TV shows and all the cool clothes
Hoping for approval from the aliens but nobody knows
-Eric Parker

Friendship
Sometimes I feel like
The world is growing cold
All that is beautiful
Is growing quickly old
But friendship stays indifferent
To the changing of the years
It stays a constant shelter
Through the tempests and the tears
-Matthew

Prisoner!
Shall he ever find what he seeks
his wishes ever fulfilled?
his mind’s thoughts began to sneak
his cogitations distilled

do sword and shield
really win immortal fame
in bloody field?
he could seize the wild beast, and make him tame

but never never shall he leave
here he is bound
his bonds he cannot cleave
the ropes are sound

one day, he shall be free
his powers to vent
but in this, will he see
his powers reduced to a single cent

what shall he do
his bones began to creak
the soft dove begins to coo
shall he ever find what he seeks

it is just beyond his grasp
freedom is not attainable
it he cannot clasp
this phenomenon is unexplainable

just beyond his touch
so near, yet so far
it he cannot clutch
he is caught in the tar

will somebody, anybody release this knight?
crying out for help
he struggles for aid from his plight
suddenly, he hears a yelp

who is this so bold
to come to this place of treachery
to break an enchantment of olde
through the glass, a arrow of green flechery

here, on a parchment fixed to the shaft, is a strange script
“At midnight of the morrow
you will feel yourself unclipped
I will save you from your sorrow.”

that night, at the relief of his irritation
things didn’t look so bleak
he was given his liberation
he has found what he seeks!
-Nathaniel Robertson

Another Weekly Grind
The end of school on Monday:
Spirits sag.
Still unfocused after Sunday,
The weight of the school bag.

Will this week never end?
Can I endure it through?
What lies around the farthest bend?
When falls the other shoe?

My mind is working overtime,
I’m feeling anything but kind,
I’m covered with the homework grime,
It’s another weekly grind.
-Matthew




INTERVIEWS
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Date: 01.17.05
Interviewee: Isaiah

1. What do you think the situation is in the gym?
Go away!

2. Do you think it needs to be changed?
[silence]

3. Why?
[silence]

4. How are you today?
[silence]

5. Have you read our paper (PAN), and if not will you?
[silence]

Date: 01.17.06
Interviewee: Änna Hostetter

1.What do you think the situation is in the gym?
I love it!! It’s great!!

2. Do you think it needs to be changed?
From what?

3. Why?
[silence]

4. How are you today?
You know, you’re kind of on the court. Could you, like...

5. Have you read our paper (PAN), and if not will you?
[silence]

Compliments from the people
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I like the Grayson series I don’t think anyone could do a better job. -Blake

Keep up the good work!-Anna

This was just a small endeavor when it started last year. It’s amazing what it has turned into!! -Nathaniel

I like the poems and limericks for if every one read them this school could learn a lot - Anonymous

Da dummies dictionary 2 modern gaming was pretty funny- Alan

Wow, Alan’s internet slang is very comprehensive! -Nathaniel


JOKES
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Two men walked into a bar; the other one ducked!
-Classic

Why couldn’t the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck. -Oldy

You’re so hairy Sasquatch is looking for you! -Anonymous

I heard Layken had her 17th birthday yesterday. You know, that means she can get her licence next year! -Anonymous

Who’s got the patent on the invention of the patent!?!
-Anonymous

I exaggerate all the time. In fact, I know everything about exaggerating!
-Nathaniel

Q. What did one strawberry say to the other?
A. “You think this is bad, you should have seen the jam I was in!!!”